From Year 9
Pixie Nursery Rhymes
05/05/2009 13:14
Some lovingly-crafted nursery rhymes, re-written to express our deep "love" for Pixie.
OLD MOTHER HUBBARD - BONY MOTHER TUBBARD
Bony Mother Tubbard
Sat in a cupboard
And had a very large nose
The baby in it,
Was a chav, like, innit
And watched as it grows
Like Sam Jr...
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Bennett Ben's Handy Cup Size Approximation Guide
05/05/2009 13:12
The self-styled Master of Genitaaalia predicts cup sizes. A useful guide for all boys.
If the girl... says you're fit - 32F
If the girl... says you're a minger - 40AA
If the girl... licks a lollipop in a suggestive way - 30JJ
If the girl (crosses out) boy... is Jennifer Steadman - 92A-
If...
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Get Naked, by the Steadman children
02/05/2009 16:08
A song of which the chorus was written by Jen's little brother Andrew... who was 10 at the time and did not know what sex was. Intended to be sung by Arsene Wenger (don't ask why).
All my ladies, when you see me, you will
GET NAKED
All my ladies, when you want me, you will
GET...
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Horoscopes by Jen, Resident Astrologer
22/04/2009 18:39
Jen becomes astrologer for a day.
The Blob 19th April - 3rd May
You are an extremely strange person who has a crush on a minging celebrity. A revelation will occur when trying to hack someone's computer account and you will prevail if you keep trying. Someone with a large nose will...
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The Wicked Sponge - A Latin Fairy Tale [with translation]
22/04/2009 18:15
A story I had to write in Latin about a wicked sponge called Fred who stole a woman called Ursula. Ursula's boyf was not happy. The grammatical accuracy is debatable, but I was in year 9. I didn't know what the genitive case was!!
Once upon a time, there was a...
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'A Year' Poem
22/04/2009 18:11
A rhyming account of a year in the life of Jen der Bende.
January.
Trudging through the newborn snow
Melting it as we go on our way to school
Even the snowman stops and smirks
Green bobble hats aren’t so cool.
February.
Valentine’s day! Cupid reigns,
Over tacky delights in...
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The Summer Holidays
22/04/2009 18:09
A poem about the bittersweet experience of the summer holidays.
When school breaks up,
Celebration is rife amongst
The hordes of overworked children,
And the moaning, groaning teenagers.
Glorious sunshine and blistering heat,
The expectations are high;
But in reality, floods...
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Girl Overboard
22/04/2009 18:03
A proper story, written for English. It got full marks. It's ok, I guess...
Girl Overboard
There are two words that can say a thousand. Her reaction said it...
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'Banquo's Toasty Ghosty Song' from Macbeth; the Musical
22/04/2009 17:27
Banquo opens up to the audience about what it's like to be dead, and what sort of things he does as a ghost. Clue; Lady Macbeth undressing.
Banquo: I am dead
I hear you cheer
My ghost has set out
To send you fear.
Lifeless dead corpse
Buried amongst my ghost peers
Since I have died
I...
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'Into The Cauldron; The Witches' Song' - from Macbeth; The Musical
22/04/2009 17:24
We were planning to create Macbeth; the Musical. We never got round to it. But a few of the songs live on. [By the way - I think that the witches were called Hubba, Bubba and George. Which explains who George is.]
Witches: Look into my cauldron
Tell me what you see
If you would...
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